Tips for building trust in a romantic relationship
Source: Ride/Shutterstock
Time and again in my clinical practice and in my advice column, I hear from people who want to build or rebuild trust in an important relationship, whether it's a sexual relationship or a relationship with a friend or family member. Trust is one of the most crucial pillars of becoming emotionally intimate with someone; it's absolutely foundational to a healthy, close relationship. And yet, it's much easier, and takes much less time, to lose trust than to rebuild it. Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and work, just as it does when it's established in the first place. But it can be done if both people are motivated. Are you willing to put in the work for its significant potential payoff? If so, here are some steps to take.
1. Say what you mean and keep your word.
Even as young children we quickly pick up on the clues that someone is saying things that aren't really true. The parent who always threatens to make us leave the restaurant, but we know they never will; the sister who always promises to share her cookie, but invariably eats it herself — we begin to disbelieve what they tell us. Our self-protective instincts, evolutionarily honed to survive over thousands of years, will routinely remind us of the proverbial tale "Peter and the Wolf." And we'll adjust our behavior and expectations accordingly — learning not to trust the person as much next time, lest we be let down. So if you're looking to increase trust within a relationship, it's imperative that you stop saying things that you won't follow through on, or that don't represent your true feelings. Even what seem like minor lies, when chronic, will tell the other person that they should no longer trust the things that come out of your mouth.
2. Be vulnerable, gradually.
Two distant coworkers who spend 20 years just chatting about the weather, but never work closely on any projects, will never need to rely on each other for anything other than idle small talk or a “good morning” as they pass each other in the hallway. But what about two coworkers who have only worked together for six months, but constantly rely on each other, going so far as to desperately need each other to answer that 9pm email or to supervise each other’s work, or to stick up for each other with a difficult boss? They have developed a bond with each other that is far closer than decades of small talk and it’s because they have to be vulnerable with each other, relying on each other to get through or in the face of real danger. In the relationships we choose in our personal lives we also build trust through vulnerability. Some of it happens automatically over time and through daily interactions—like knowing that if our partner said they would pick us up at the airport they will be there, or feeling confident that if we eat a dinner they’ve made for us it won’t contain the ingredient we’re allergic to that they know will put us into anaphylactic shock. But emotional vulnerability is important, too. Building trust requires a willingness to open ourselves up to the potential risk of being hurt: talking about something embarrassing from our past, letting another know what scares us here and now, showing parts of ourselves we don’t see as “attractive” enough to reveal on a first date. Trust is built when our partners have the opportunity to disappoint or hurt us, but they don’t. And in order for them to pass the test and build that trust, we need to be vulnerable to that disappointment. It’s best to do this gradually, of course, to protect ourselves along the way.
3. Remember the importance of respect.
One of the ways our partners can do lasting emotional damage to us—and with it our trust—is by putting us down, making us feel less than, or viewing us with condescension or contempt rather than respect. Think of a basic level of respect as the common denominator in any relationship, whether it's between a cashier and a customer or a mother and her child. And the more emotionally intimate the relationship, the more important it is to maintain that basic level of respect, not less. Unfortunately, when we feel closely tied to someone, we sometimes show them our worst—which can be positive in terms of being vulnerable in front of that person, but it can also involve treating them poorly. Ironically, we may lash out at our mother, child, or partner in ways we would never lash out at a cashier—and we forget that respect is even more important to our loved ones because of the damage a lack of it can cause over time. This doesn't mean you have to be formal or always correct with your partner. But you have to remember that every time you treat her in a way that puts her down or violates that basic minimum of dignity and respect, you damage your connection a little bit and make it harder for her to trust you over time.
4. Give the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s say you’ve had a doctor for 10 years, who you really respect and have learned to trust. Now compare how you feel about your opinion of that doctor, compared to the opinion of a doctor you’ve never seen before. While you may be willing to trust both of your medical credentials, chances are you feel much more comfortable with the person you’ve developed trust with. And in fact, that doctor may make some difficult or surprising medical news easier to digest, because you’re willing to give them the benefit of the doubt given your trust and your history together. The same thing happens in personal relationships. What goes hand in hand with trust is letting go of your doubts, even if only temporarily, and letting the person see your vulnerable parts. Now, in relationships where trust has been broken, and you’re trying to rebuild, it may not be wise to let go of all doubt at once, such as in the case of infidelity or substance abuse . “The dog wasn’t unfriendly, they did it” may apply in these cases, as you may still need a certain level of distrust of someone to protect you from further harm. But over time, if you truly hope to ever rebuild trust, you must be willing to at times let go of the doubt — or at least suspend it — and see if they meet your expectations. (If they don’t, of course, then they are the ones sabotaging the trust-building.)
5. Express your feelings functionally, especially when it is difficult.
Emotional intimacy comes in part from knowing that you can express your feelings to someone, and that they still care about you, won't dismiss you — and will be willing to listen. It means you know that person will make time to understand your point of view, not to nullify it. This involves the maturity of being able to talk about feelings without yelling, verbal attacks, or shutting down the conversation. Of course, it's very easy to have an emotionally intimate relationship where everyone pretends everything is fine and neither one lets the other in, because neither really trusts the other enough to handle their difficult or uncomfortable feelings or thoughts. But if this is what you wanted, you wouldn't be reading this! Try different ways of talking about difficult feelings that feel collaborative, helpful, and respectful. Learn to talk about challenging emotions in ways that don't automatically lead to feeling threatened or starting a conflict. Many of us have learned from our parents how to talk — or not talk — about difficult things, and sometimes those patterns can stunt us. But if you really want to build a trusting relationship with someone, you have to give them a chance to connect with the real you, including who you are emotionally.
6. Take a risk together.
Being vulnerable with each other can be a mutual effort, too, and it doesn’t just involve revealing parts of yourself. It can also involve a joint effort toward something rewarding—an experience or adventure on a vacation, a joint lifestyle change toward healthier habits, an attempt to expand the social circle you share, or even just expanding your minds together with new ideas from thought-provoking books or movies. This gets you both out of your comfort zone with the potential for increased trust as a reward, like two comrades who were in the trenches together. And if it’s a romantic relationship where you’re looking to increase connection, there’s an added bonus: A little fear -induced arousal can actually increase your sexual attraction , as Dutton and Aron’s now-classic 1973 study showed.
7. He is willing to give and receive.
Research on friendship demonstrates how important reciprocity is to a strong relationship . And it doesn’t necessarily mean that each person is giving exactly as much as they’re receiving, but that both partners are comfortable with these levels, and feel relatively equal. Of course, in a truly close emotional relationship, it’s expected and understood that this balance can shift from time to time — one person leans on the other when it’s most needed, and there’s no need to do any accounting. And that’s because there’s trust, and you know that you won’t end up giving, giving, giving without the other person also doing something for you in return. So a significant component of trust-building is allowing this process to happen. Virtually everyone understands that we’re not always supposed to take more than we give, but what happens when you don’t let your partner give? You deny them some of this balance. Look at the bigger picture, and let both processes happen, being willing to both give and receive. Of course, if you're willing to give a little extra and your partner is too, then you create a comfortable space of caring for both of you and a lifeline against feeling chronically undervalued or unappreciated.
Comments
Post a Comment